A shift in desires!

There was not much prep work that went into the ACTUAL birth of my daughter.  My husband and I took a childbirth prep course at the hospital I would be delivering at that was four weeks long and an hour an a half each class.  I was glad I took it!  I did spend a lot of time researching breastfeeding and even took a class on breastfeeding.  The funny thing is there was absolutely nothing that prepared me for how hard breastfeeding would initially be.  I was lucky to have my mom as an incredible support system staying with us to get me through the initial shock of engorgement (About this I would just like to say that I had some complications that made mine a little harder than normal). I really feel that the only thing that got my through how hard breastfeeding was initially was the 1) pure determination I had that this is what I wanted to provide my child with and the 2) support.  I am hoping those two things will help me with a natural labor this time around as well!

When I was in labor with Lulu I felt like the epidural was heaven sent.  There was never any part of me that desired to have a natural labor and childbirth and honestly after I gave birth I am pretty sure I said or atleast wondered why any woman would want to go without.  So why on earth am an planning a natural labor and delivery this time around?  I wish I could pinpoint when my shift started to happen but I can't.  I know there are a series of events that happened that made me start believing that this is what I wanted.  My labor with lulu was a the most beautiful experience I have ever had and do not want to diminish for it at all but there was certain things about the hosptial that annoyed me.  Some of them could have been avoided if I would have been more educated and known that I could voice my opion and some of them where purely because hosptital are business that have to follow protocol for their own safety (lawsuits and such) and I understand that.  There was just some things that took away from it being my experience with my daughter and my husband.  

 I was moved by friends or bloggers posts about natural birth and even more moved by those that delivered somewhere other than a hospital. They were amazing and beautiful stories. 

Something else that happened was a friend of mine posted about "The business of being born"on facebook, a movie that talks about hospitals agendas in childbirth and follows a few woman who have chosen to have natural births.  I decided to watch it on netflix and while I cant say I agreed with all of it, for some reason I was moved by a lot of what was talked about.  It was amazing to see the progression that has taken place over the years and shocked to find out in certain points in time how woman who were admitted into the hospital to have babies were treated.  I am grateful we have come so far at this point in time. The thing that stuck with me the most about this movie however was when  Ricky Lake (I think) says that pregnancy is not a disease and doesn't need to be treated as such. (those are not her exact words...watch it for yourself!  Its very good although you may have to take some of it with a grain of salt)

That struck me so hard. Of Course its not a disease.  A loving Heavenly Father made our bodies to do this miraculous thing. A miracle it is, we as woman are blessed to be able to experience this miracle! Why can't I like so many other woman who have done it before me, do it as well? I could!! At that point in time I convinced myself that I didn't ever want to have a baby in the hospital again.

That night when my husband got home from school I told him all about my desire and he thought I was crazy!  After all he was studying to work in a hospital and here I was telling him that I felt it wasn't necessary for me to use with our next child. Mind you, this was some time before we even started thinking about getting pregnant.  I threw a lot of energy into research and decided that I would rather start with a birthing center than at home especially if it would put my husband at ease a little better. 

I know I sound crazy!!!

Trust me I am not the type of person that just jumps on the bandwagon and does something because it sounds exciting.  I put a lot of effort into researching something I feel passionate about but trust me I can become PASSIONATE!  And while at this point, for this birth I am not plannning a home birth or a delivery at a birthing center (I hope eventually I can) mostly for money reasons I truly believe that I healthy woman who has a healthy pregnancy can succesfully do these things. 

It wasn't just the movie at this point though. I had some health problems previously and after going to the doctor and running a series of tests and procedures and feeling like I got no where and the doctors basically saying, "well we don't know whats wrong with you" I took things into my own hands and started to try and fix things naturally. I felt that helped more than anything. It honestly changed a lot of the way I thought about medecine. 

Me after my 1st endoscopy

There was also another things that helped convince me that a natural birth was something I COULD do.  I started running!! As I think I have expressed on here before I never enjoyed running.  My sisters both enjoyed running and I always wondered why they would do such a silly thing for pleasure or for sport!  Than I started to do it and push myself physically and mentally.  I ran a race and started to realize that I could do hard things.  I started training for a half marathon and pushed my body to progressively run further and further.  Every saturday I would increase how far I would go and I realized it was more mental than anything.  They say that childbirth is like running a race and I truly believe that mentally ,if I can run long distances, I can have the natural labor I desire.   

My sister and I after our first 5k. 

We set a goal to run it in under 30 minutes. 

We beat our goal by quite a bit!

I would just like to say that I am very grateful for hospitals and modern medecine.  I truly believe that these things are blessings from Heavenly Father as well.  I just don't know that they are the answer for everything.
ps. I am 20 weeks today!  Half way there and feeling more like 30 weeks!